Essence Revealed

The Bubblin' Brown Sugar of Burlesque!

Dominant Submissive Relationship

Within my strong, intelligent, independent woman lays a much more malleable side.  However, this is a side that is not easily revealed (pun intended).  In fact, I can use one hand with plenty of fingers left over to count the times it has happened.  Yep, Dominant submissive relationship for the strong, independent woman.  There is a side that desires the freedom of being submissive to a trusted partner’s Dominant.  It seems like an oxymoron, right? However, under the right circumstances, there is total freedom in giving up control.

As a modern-day woman I’m out in the world running things. Women no longer are only running the household chores.  Nope!  We may be mothers.  We may be wives.  We may be single.  We may be dating.  There’s always family & friends.  We may also have careers on top of everything else we balance.  We are elbowing for room to climb up the corporate ladder right along with the fellas. Heck, we’re running our own enterprises.  There are those of us who are not concerned with being equal to men.  We know we surpass them :-D.  These are all wonderful things.  I myself am a creative, self-employed person which means I am working in several different arenas.  All of them, thankfully, I enjoy because they all come with unique challenges.

Cut to: getting home after a long day.  If you live in the USA 9-5 is a thing of the past.  We are putting in 12+ hour days.  I want to come home take off my Super Woman Cape & be my partner’s lady.  I do not want to make another decision.  I do not want to dictate how things are going to go around here.  I want YOU to take control of the ship.  I’ve been steering my planet all day.  Can you steer me now? Please Sir/Madam/Boss?  How do I feel about a partner who always wants me to make decisions? How much respect do I really have for a partner that let’s me railroad over them?  Not much if I am being honest with myself.

I can hear the uproar of the strong, independent women everywhere wondering if I’ve bumped my head.  With all of our much-needed struggle to be equal, some of us have forgotten how to lay back & be led.  Some of us are unable to admit to wanting to lay back & be led (yes, there are some women who feel naturally Dominant & men who feel naturally submissive & all the gender variables in between).  However, I’m talking about women being able to stand (or kneel ;-)) authentically in their submissive nature if that is what they desire.  I’m also talking about men being given the space to be their natural Dominant selves.  It is seldom allowed in this equal world we’ve fought for.  There is a natural polarity to every relationship (no matter what the genders involved).  A yin & yang, a push & pull, yes, a Dominant & submissive that modernity does not easily allow for without judgement.

I am not advocating that women be passive ever.  Even within being submissive one is never passive.  There has to be a willingness, an agreement to show up in that type of space with a Dominant.  It is my natural nature to be submissive to someone’s Dominant in intimate relationships.  They have to earn that right though.  Like, I said, few have. Therefore, most people only know my in charge  side that lives out in the world.  There is a way in which we as women have become ashamed to dare admit to being submissive.  There is the fear of being looked as as being weak, lacking self-esteem or confidence. You try saying that you like to be submissive among some female circles & see how much strength, self-esteem & confidence is needed to survive the discussion.  Are there desires you’ve been taught to be ashamed of?

In fact, it may even be difficult to seamlessly attract a trustworthy partner who is willing & capable to accept the Dominant position.  We have all been, rightfully trained to treat each other as equals.  However, if your partner desires to live in sub space, you are being allowed the control.  There is a big difference between giving & taking the control.  Once given the control, take it. I found this interesting article on Domination for Nice guys :-).  It does not mean being abusive!  I need to repeat that: IT DOES NOT MEAN BEING ABUSIVE!!!  That is where the deep trust factor comes in. This is why submission must be earned.  It is not a birthright given to everyone encountered.

There is COMPLETE trust with a Dominant partner so there is freedom.  It’s like being entangled in a secure web.  One is controlled yet able to lay back freely in it.  All there is to do is to show up, listen in the moment & be of service.  This is someone who cares about your & would never harm you.  You care about them so much all you want is for them to be pleased.  The inverse is also true. Communication is a must.  Discussions around boundaries is a must.  The use of safe words or simply No is a must.  Parameters set, release can be met.  One is given the non judgmental space to be submissive.  They are given the same to be Dominant.  Finally… Yes, even strong, smart, confident, independent people can desire to be submissive. There, I said it ;-).

Let’s create our rituals & revel in this space together.  Train  me how to be your sub.  Help me grow & be integral of my word.  I can be trusted to own up to it if I am out of integrity with our agreements (This one aspect can spill over to being very useful in life.  Integrity to one’s word is a dying art).  Make me stand in a corner & wait for it.  Whatever, You decide it is.  If you’re Dominant enough you won’t even have to restrain me with anything but your command.  I’m not just talking about in the bedroom, here.  I’m talking about being & living submission.  It can get pretty intense, hot, filled with anticipation, growth & pleasure.  So… what’s your natural nature: Dominant or submissive?

ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston.  She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education.  Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque.  She’s been published in two anthologies: Pros(e) &  Johns, Marks, Tricks & Chicken Hawks.  She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque.  Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.  Help Essence get to the Milan Burlesque Awards!

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27 thoughts on “Dominant Submissive Relationship

  1. OneMan on said:

    How many people, women or men anywhere, truly understand the concept of “A relationship of equal yet disproportionate power?” How many people have experienced such relationships their entire lives without the first awareness versus those who have embraced such relationships, like any other innate need, only to be called “kinky?” Then again, how many have really ever come to terms with the root and true nature of their sexuality at all? Essence’s entry, and her entire blog, speaks, I hope, to our trending as a culture toward sexual honesty, and self-expression. Of course, to express it, you have to own it. “A relationship of equal yet disproportionate power… or at least disproportionate authority.” From a Dominant’s perspective, or I should say from the perspective of one who believes in the innate reality of this human dynamic and yet remains, like most, somewhat stifled by the equally human tendency of the human majority to deny it, or hide it in shame, the audible voice of every integral submissive, male or female, means a shift in the ability to love the self and subsequently one another. The mayonnaise has been spread pretty thick for generations over our sexual authenticity. If we are truly beginning to wipe it all off and look at ourselves as not only sexual beings, but radically sexual explorative beings, than I, for one, say “Hallelujah and Amen!” Of course, one could write an entire blog about the philosophy and practice of D/s, and many do. But it was nice to see just this much in Essence’s blog as one facet in a multi-faceted persona; one color in a myriad of evolving sexual self-recognition, self-ownership, and, God adore her, unashamed self-expression. I admire you.

    • THANK YOU genuinely for such a thought out and beautifully articulated response to the post. If I am going to encourage others to live authentically, then I have to encourage myself to do the same as well. You post gives me encouragement. I am new at this & never quite sure what thoughts people have about it. Many look but few comment. I am grateful to you for taking the time to respond. :-)

  2. Your way of describing the whole thing in this post
    is really nice, every one can effortlessly be aware of it, Thanks a lot.

  3. Pingback: submissive Dominant Relationship « Essence Revealed

  4. Be Yourself on said:

    Well-expressed and said and it’s a pity how pure natural roles and relations have been ruined and messed up with to reach such a point where humans are just looking and craving to be their natural themselves nothing more or less. Manhood/womanhood is the most genuine D/s relationship in its purest natural form if understood and practiced well and correctly by respective partners satisfying all their needs, desires and tendencies at all levels from mental, through sensual to pure physical ones. Man can’t satisfy his manhood, ego and stamina without completely fulfilling his natural role and taking the full lead of his life and relationship with his woman who is desperately looking for that too to satisfy her natural needs and womanhood also. Partial fulfillment or swap of roles is usually disastrous to partners, their relationship and lives as we see everywhere and time now

    • Thank you much for your reply. I’d say Yes and… Yes and natural nature is not limited to gender. There are some women for whom Dominance is their natural nature and some men for whom submissiveness is. I think things do get thrown off when partners are not able to express in a way that is natural & authentic in terms of D/s no matter the gender…

  5. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment
    didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyways, just wanted to say wonderful blog!

    • Oh, I can’t even express how sad that makes me… This is my Most read blog and yet Least commented upon blog… thanks for the compliment but I truly hope ypu re-consider and add to the conversation!

  6. Might you have additional articles similar to this particular
    one called, Dominant Submissive Relationship Essence Revealed?
    I actually desire to read through even alot more about it.
    Many thanks.

  7. I too am a strong independent woman. Successful in my professional life on Wall Street. I have come to recognize that in my intimate life I am a submissive. To date, I have only explored through books. Thanks for the article and I hope you write more. My only wish is that there was a safe way to fully realize this side. Well, keep writing and I will continue to read and respond.

    • Hi,

      Thanks so much for your comment. Being careful & safe are always job 1. There are sites like http://www.fetlife.com where one can set up “anonymous” profiles as much as anything online is anonymous anyway. Big cities like NY have munches and events where one can meet and greet or lay back and observe.

      • I have begun my journey on fetlife. The games are fun and I am taking it slow. Thanks for guiding me

  8. John Morgan on said:

    Your blog is great. I am helping a woman, who I have on and off relationship with, explore this world so we are both new to this and this advice and stories is a great help . Thank you very much.

  9. At 59, I knew something was missing; well to be exact after 18 years of celibacy, a lot was missing! I too am independent and headstrong. I have always been titillated by thoughts of powerful demands of sex and some bondage and now that I’m semi retired, am seeking to know more about this lifestyle. I recently signed up on 3D chat site for an article I’m writing on social media and have been exposed to the lifestyle. I had a very beautiful loving encounter with a man from the Netherlands who is a master. He is not wanting to commit to a sub at this time, but we do continue to have encounters on the site. I love my time with him and am not sure if it is his dominance but I am wanting to explore more about it. Your article has been an encouragement. Thank you.

  10. I truly understand and relate to this. In business, I am a leader. If there is no one leading, I will take charge, I don’t like uncertainty. Yet I have a submissive soul that longs to sit back and be led…guided, cared for. Unfortunately I have failed to find a man who is truly dominant in nature and secure in himself to be proud of and supportive of my dominant side. They have all been fakers, in the end I am far stronger, confident and capable than they. I also think meeting “dominant types” in the kink world set me up for meeting pretenders because there are so many in that lifestyle, club scene.

    Great read.

  11. I am new to all of this. My fiance brought this lifestyle to my attention about 2 weeks ago, saying she has felt like something has been missing since she was a young teenager, and that she feels this may be the key to fixing our issues.
    She claims she has no respect for me, which just killed me, and for reasons mentioned in your blog. I had never heard of such a lifestyle until now and quite frankly it wierded me out. I love and respect her very much so of course I am going to give it a shot. In her quest to learn more she found me a friend online, that I feel has been very helpful in guiding me in the ways of a Dominant, and has been very informative. See I am the nice guy that gave and gave and never expected anything in return, sacraficed to make sure she was happy, and vowed never to hit. Well I am alos the nice guy that would get so angry sometimes for not getting anything in return and never getting any respect from anyone and still kept doing for others because I didnt know what else to do. Over the past 2 weeks I feel like I have learned that the Dominant role is something I should been doing all along. It feels good.
    Until now, whether fear of life change or fear of the unknown, I have not done my research. Your blog is the first thing I have read that has anything to do with d/s relationships and I am glad I did. I have had a very difficult time understanding where my fiance has been coming from, why she feels the way she does, and your blog has really helped me understand her quite a bit more. She has said very similar things but as always its different hearing it from someone else.
    Thank you for bringing me some clarity.

    • THIS made my night. I’m glad that I could bring you to a change in understanding about it but more so, I’m so glad to here about your willingness to explore something that initially “weirded you out”. I hope that the two of you grow and stretch in this exploration together!!!!!

  12. im married for almost 12 years to my first boyfriend.. well lets say in my profession i need to be bossy.. staying head over heels with a very supportive and loving husband is not a doubt but you know i just feel so suffocated with “wife-u-decide-what-to-do-next” thing.. ive been into reading fictional books about D/s relationships then i find it like “wow-is-this-really-happening”.. then started surfing net about it.. i finally clicked this one and really gave me insight that its pretty normal to want to feel being submissive.. i think i really wanna try it.. cause im thinking it a great experience as a great blow to my husband ego too making him a dominant… thanks for enlightening me.. well i think my next move.. to discuss this option to my husband… wow just thinking about it makes me feel this could be really fun… :)

    • Thank So Much for reading & chiming in! Yep it is really happening. It could be extrememly fun with a partner you trust! Turning power over to a trusted Dominant partner can be very hot & liberating ;-). I hope your husband gets on board with exploring it with you :-D :-) :-D

  13. darkeyes789 on said:

    Thank you for sharing insight and knowledge about d/s. Keep it coming. :-)

  14. What a beautifully articulated article. I’ve been trying to explain to the wonderful woman in my life that we’ve been exploring a dom/sub relationship without realizing it for some time. This explains how that could happen. These are our natural roles. She’s a very independent and strong woman that once nothing more than to please her man once the door is closed. And I am always respectful and treat her like the lady she truly is until the door closes…..then it seems we both drop our walls and give each other our true self’s. How incredibly freeing. Thank you.

  15. I just discovered my on and off boyfriend for years is a dominant how do i get him to be comfortable with himself and with it?

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