Beauty of Feminine

Being a burlesque performer has led me to experience the stark difference in reception I get when in and out of “burlesque drag”.  How people perceive feminine beauty is something I purposely mess with.  For years I’ve heard men say that they don’t like women who wear make-up and definitely not women who wear a great deal of it.  However, as I go through the urban jungle of New York my, ahem, field research shows very different findings for me personally.  I know this experience is not the same for all women.  I have a friend who could be wearing a trash bag with a freezer bag hat and would still have to deal with street harassment and cat calling on the street.  However, with me it is a totally different experience.  There have been many a time I show up for a gig casual, get ignored, change into performance mode and get sudden attention.

When I am not in showgirl mode, I trend towards being a no make up wearing sweats/jeans, tee-shirt, sneaker woman.  I’ve never been the type of woman who would “never leave the house without make up”.  I’ve had those friends.  We are getting ready to run out to the corner store for snacks.  I have to sit and wait for lipstick, mascara, eyebrows, etc all to be applied first.  The thought bubble over my head reads, “Really?!?  Just to go buy some Cheese Doodles?”.  But I’d sit and wait patiently.  Whatever makes you happy.  I on the other hand am perfectly happy to roll out in the same grey sweat pants day after day after day with no shame.   When I am dressed down, I can pretty much move through the streets of NYC without being bothered.  Mostly I choose to dress this way because it’s comfortable for me.  I admit though some days it’s because I’d rather not deal with the harassment.

It’s  not so shocking to me that no one wants me to “smile” or “have a nice day” or any of the other litany of things I get told, wished or crassly bombarded with.  Perhaps, it is because my casual seems to read as tomboy on most days.  I had the experience recently of standing in a room full of Burlesque folks and very few people recognized me.  One person, who’d seen me perform only the week before said she was wondering who the soft butch lesbian in the corner was.  Hilarity to me.  I often end up in conversations with strangers.  I talk to everyone.  If the conversation leads me to talking about being a burlesque performer or sensual dance/booty twerk teacher, I’ll hand them a card.  I forget that the card looks like my on stage persona.  The silent skepticism on their faces reminds me that I look very different to other people.  Enter  Clark Kent/Super Hero joke here.

Photo by Frederick V Nielsen II

I took a business class last year.  Most people were discussing traditional business ideas.  There was a man who was opening a winery, a music school owner, real estate folks, etc.  I talked about Essence Revealed and ideas I plan to create in the future.  After several weeks in the class the instructor said she wanted to have a one on one session with me.  She explained that because she was seeing the entire picture of what I was building.  However, because my classmates do not, I needed to be able to ”sell” my classmates and look sexy when I come to class.  Her thought was I needed to sell the image visually.  What’s funny is that it never occurred to me that “attractive” or “attracting” needed a specific look.  I feel good when I walk out the door and that’s good enough for me.

It leads to questions for me.  Are people being honest when they say that they don’t like women who wear a lot of make-up?  Men, in particular, are very visual creatures.  Does attractive or what is attracting “look” a certain way.  I tend to have “look” fairly low on my what attracts me to someone totem pole.  And also femininity is defined in very limited ways it seems.  Is a woman less feminine dressed down in sweats or is that simply a societal construct.

It has been my experience that only after I am in relationship with someone do they express that they love that I can dress down or “put some sparkle on it”.  Very seldom, have I ended up in relationship with someone who met me in my dress down mode.  I don’t feel any less of a woman, no matter how tomboy I am dressed.  However, how I’m physically adorned surely dictates whether people feel like they should give me a “pound” or a “hug” as a greeting.  What has your experience been?

Related articles

• Burlesque Your Way to Body Image Health (thirtythreadbaremercies.wordpress.com)
• On Men Who Think Street Harassment Would Be Awesome (brutereason.net)

ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston.  She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education.  Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque.  She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque.  Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.

Be YOUR Own Kind of Beautiful

Natural Hair & Relaxers & Blonds Oh My!

Natural hair is to permed hair as dyed blond hair is to natural color.

Hair is a thing for women.  As a Black woman, I am led to believe that only we have to deal with that “hair stuff”.  However, candid conversations with my other sisters reveal that it’s not just a Black thing.  Working in gentleman’s clubs is my first peek into the blond is beautiful obsession.  If a woman wants to increase her money-making capabilities, blond hair is a smart move.  I’ve seen women in the clubs damage the life out of their hair because as they put it,  “I don’t make money with my natural color”.  Another friend says that as a youngster a crush tells her that he likes girls with a hair color different from hers (no blond hair was involved in this conversation, by the way).  For a long time she does not think her own hair is pretty.  ALL women get a little taste of the ‘your hair is not good enough’ pie.

It should be no shock to me that Viola Davis‘ decision to rock her natural hair at the Oscars is such a big deal.  Yet, it is.  Something about the validation that we all seek is represented there.  An iconic show to the world that my hair is glamorous too.  Many actresses in Hollywood or super stars period (Of ALL Nationalities) wear wigs & weaves.  However, does it mean that they do not respect their culture?  Does it mean they lack the self-esteem to wear natural hair?  This notion is always pinned onto black women who do not have natural hair.  Perhaps, sometimes it does but not always.  Sometimes the role or stage persona may call for a look different from one’s own.  The heat from styling equipment can wreak havoc on real hair.  I think it is fair to say that these women have to be styled way more than the average woman.  A wig or weave is a safety net for their real hair.  Other times it’s just plain ‘ole fun to switch up looks.

I wear my hair in locs for a very long time.  I’ve always wanted to have short hair but am always afraid to try it.  All the talk from people in my family growing up is about long hair being beautiful.  I’d hear women say that their husbands would be mad if they cut their hair short.  After years of natural hair & then even more years with locs, I decide to do it.  I cut my locs, perm my short hair & style it into a pixie cut.

It is a total culture shock for me.  See, Black women with natural hair speak to each other.  There are smiles, head nods & hi sis galore.  THE DAY I went short & to a perm it ends.  I am instantly invisible to these women.  Black women with natural hair do not randomly say hello to women with permed hair.  Women with perms do not randomly acknowledge each other at all.  I’m walking around thinking:  But I’m still me!  I still have the same beliefs.  It’s me inside here.  Same package  just a different box!  A friend of mine cut her locs a few years after me.  She says she wants to ask me a question.  Before she even asks, I say:  No you’re not crazy.  Yes they’ve stopped talking to you.  You no longer exist to them now.  We laughed about our first moments of realizing we are no longer a part of the club.   However, it truly makes us very sad.  How great would it be if all women shared that kind of camaraderie?

It never ceases to amaze me how much inner turmoil outward appearance can cause.  What does it take to command with a sure-fire knowing that we are all small parts of the same energy?  We are made how we are made & that is perfectly OK.  It’s just hair for goodness sake.  Are we still holding onto the ‘a woman’s hair is her crowning glory’ story?  Do with it whatever makes you feel good at the time.  If that changes in two days, who cares, change it.  Ignoring society, mainstream media, the voices of family past & whatever else leads us to believe that our hair is not good enough is key.  Just say a silent “Thanks for Sharing” & keep it moving.  Do you!  Someone will always have something to say so we might as well do what makes us happy.  We all have had the experience of seeing someone who is not considered the “beauty standard” (whatever that means) yet, they command all attention when they walk into a room.  We know just from looking at them that they feel good about themselves inside & out.  THAT more than anything else is beautiful.

I don’t have any time to stay up all night worrying about  what someone  who don’t love me has to say about me. – Viola Davis

Related articles

• What We Can Learn From Viola’s Natural Hair Oscar Moment (hellobeautiful.com)
• Beautiful Gallery of Natural Black Hair Styles (lecoil.tumblr.com)
• Wendy Williams: Viola Davis natural hair Oscar look not formal (thegrio.com)

ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston.  She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education.  Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque.  She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque.  Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.