Sexual Attraction

The Kinsey Scale attempts to show that sexual attraction does not go only one way for everyone. While extremely limited, it is a start. There are many people attracted to multiple genders. However, the treatment they get within the LGBTQ community is enough to chase a person back into the closet. Some women who are attracted to women are repulsed by the idea of dating men. That then translates into the ill-treatment of women who are attracted to more than just women. If someone is a male who is attracted to multiple genders then the level of disdain raises even higher. A friend and I joke that the B in LGBTQ is silent.

It took years for me to allow myself to even be open to the idea of dating women. However, all it took was a few weeks being out as someone attracted to two genders for me to believe that I had to “choose a side”. At that stage of life, I was fine with dealing with heterosexual people who no longer wanted to talk to me.  I was not at all prepared for the level of passion filled mean this  brought out of some people within the LGBTQ community. I was not strong enough to want to deal with it then.

People that are attracted to more than one gender are judged for being greedy, confused, selfish and unable to be in one relationship.  It’s acceptable for them to be the butts of jokes, snubs and downright disgust.   I completely understand, for example, the idea that someone not attracted to men would not want to sleep with someone who does.  I also, though, support people loving who they love no matter the sexual orientation, race, culture, religion or spiritual way of  life, for example.  Someone choosing partners differently than I personally would, doesn’t make them bad people.  I always wonder what the point of creating Us Vs. Them dynamics within already marginalized communities is?

Like many people, I have a long list of ways in which I could be marginalized in society (race, sexuality, gender, child of immigrants, burlesque dancer, etc.). However, on an emotional level, the biased treatment pales in comparison to that from some  of the LGBTQ community.  Unlike, say, race attraction to multiple genders cannot be visually determined so it’s easier to hide from that judgement.  Or is it?

It was like coming out of the closet all over again when I started dating men and women.  There were people who suddenly stopped talking to me, treated me differently or would do their best not to acknowledge my presence. It was upsetting because all of my relationships have been real.  It was as if they, were now rendered into nothingness.  The good news is that I have grown strong enough that other people’s opinions about me hold little weight.  That’s their business.   The esteem that I have for myself is what truly matters as I navigate life day-to-day. That’s way more than enough for me to wrangle with on some days.  I don’t really have the space for entertaining the opinions of others. Most of the labeling doesn’t really work for me.

 

Even outside of the LGBTQ community the fun doesn’t stop.  Some people assume that because someone is attracted to multiple genders, they are attracted to anyone.  Couples feel free to proposition you with invites to a threesome without any mutual attraction ever being there. Somehow, the person attracted to multiple genders is suspected of being attracted to any and everyone. Women who think it’s cool to “mess around” with women but never be in a serious relationship with one pop up everywhere. No thanks. There is an assumption that a monogamous relationship with one sex isn’t possible.  Lovers become paranoid:  ”I have to worry about you being attracted to men AND women.”  Uh, wrong. The only worry is making sure that we are both getting what we need within the relationship. Then there doesn’t have to be a worry about anyone. Where does it say that having multiple attraction to humans means no choice in what type of person to date and an attraction to everyone?  Was there a memo, a meeting, an e-mail that I missed?

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Things have certainly changed for the better in some ways. For one, I now see queer teen age couples arm and arm on the subway and walking around openly. I realize, though, that I live in a major city with a great deal of LGBTQ support.  So, for the person who does not live in a major metropolis, I pray for a world with acceptance.  For the person who wants to speak their sexual truth, I pray the right circumstances and strength for you to do so. For all of us I pray for the ability to treat people with love or at the very least respect no matter who they love.

I’ve had more difficulty accepting myself as bisexual than I ever did accepting that I was a lesbian. It felt traitorous. A few years ago, I admitted to myself that I was still interested in men in more than a “Brad Pitt is slick hot sexy” kind of way. But I worried what my friends, exes, and the Community would think. I never even broached the subject with my parents. Because what bothered me the most was that people would think that being a lesbian had been a phase for me, when that was so very not the case. What I feared was that I would no longer be part of a community, that I might be seen with my boyfriend and not be recognized as something not the same.
― R. Gay, First Person Queer: Who We Are (So Far) 

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• Problems with the Kinsey Scale by Laci Green

ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston.  She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education.  Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque.  She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque.  Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.

Love Lessons I Learned From My Parents

My parents have been married nearly forty years.  They left Barbados and lived in Boston.  Love lessons like this they showed me: One of the last worst snow days in their winter experience a fifteen minute drive is taking hours.  My mother is driving home from work.  She is running out of gas.  My father drives through the snow and gets a container full of gas.  He starts heading for where my mother is stuck in traffic.  He gets stopped by a police officer at a cut off point road block.  He explains to the officer that he has to get thru because his wife is running out of gas.  The officer tells him that he cannot drive past.  My father parks his car and walks the rest of the way in the snow to my mother.  Puts gas in her car.  He then walks back to his car.  He drives home and shovels out two car park spaces.  When my mother finally makes it home all she has to do is move the chair holding the space, park and go inside.  I learned these types of lessons about love growing up.

My parents argued sometimes.  Arguing never meant that they stopped loving each other though.  They could be angry and still take care of each other.  My mother still would cook dinner.  My father still would clean up the kitchen and take out the trash afterwards.

I asked my mother once how they lasted so long.  She said it is because even though they are two very different people, they agree on the basics of how life is to be lived:  money, family, goals, work ethic, and spirituality.  I learned to be very clear on these things before getting into a committed relationship.

My mother told me that when they first started going out my Dad would wait for her at the bus stop.  He’d be standing there shirt untucked.  She told him that she would not be seen with anyone looking untidy.  The next day he was at the bus stop as usual, shirt untucked.  So, she stayed on the bus, got off at a later stop and left him standing there.  Growing up, I learned to have my standards and be clear about them early on in the relationship.

Imagine if a potential partner said to you:  “Listen, I’ll build you the house of your dreams.  Well, one that is within my means but you gotta work with me for about 30 years.  I have nothing right now.  Some of those years I may not be the main bread-winner.  I promise to work my hardest to make sure you are always taken care of.  Are you with me?”

When I hear some women today list what they want in a mate, it is typically someone who has accomplished WAY MORE than they themselves have.  The little thought bubble over my head always reads:  What are you bringing to the partnership?  I learned the meaning of true partnership growing up watching my parents.

I grew up knowing how I deserved to be treated.  No one can ever try to treat me less than how my father treats my mother.  I grew up knowing that true love and partnership ARE POSSIBLE.  I never worry about if it will happen for me.  So, even if you did not grow up seeing and learning these lessons your heart knows them.  Your gut instinct knows them.  Your imagination knows who he/she is, how he/she treats you, how you feel in his/her presence.  Love is an action word not a feeling.  Spend time each and everyday fully experiencing that energy knowing, KNOWING without a doubt, they are on the way.  Do it as you’re falling asleep or right when you wake up.  The rest of the time, do you.  Work on being the best, most confident you, you can be.

This energy that is in us, all around us and makes up everything we can and cannot see is Love.  Love is what we come from.  So Loved is what we all deserve to be.