I spoke about my submissive feelings in the Dominant submissive Relationship blog I wrote. Like I mentioned in the post there are very few people who have the command to render me into a submissive space. I tend to walk through the world being Dominant. Dominants believe that they deserve to guide and be served. I actually believe that I am deserving period. We all are deserving of all good just because we exist. It seems as if Dominants are clearer more often about this fact. Dominants do not move through the world as if they require permission to be. They just are Dominant by nature. The Dominant/submissive relationship is an agreed upon space for this energy to be freely explored in partnership.
Currently, I do my best to harness Dominant energy to help me navigate life. It is especially useful when life’s challenges inevitably arise. In the past, however, it has been able to be realized through having relationships where people sub my Domme. I had a huge appreciation for the fact that they trusted me and chose to serve and be trained by me. In my case, their ultimate goal was to be of service to me. They were happy when they did well and made me happy. Unlike what some people may imagine a Dominant/submissive relationship to be like, it was not about me whaling off on some poor submissive soul. It was not the type of exchange where I had absolute power. There are Master/slave relationships where the Master decides all. Even still, that is an agreed upon way of living. The slave chooses to be owned.
As I understand and chose to explore Dominant/submissive relationships there are set agreements that both Dominant and submissive define. Once the agreement is set, though, the Dominant will not take kindly to an agreement being broken. It will have to be addressed. Only after the initial honest communication happens can this type of relationship move forward with clarity and safety. This helps develop trust. Trust is important in any relationship and this kind is no different. The submissive must trust that the Dominant has their best interest at heart. The Dominant wants to see their sub develop and grow into their best. A sub should feel protected and safe in the control of their Dominant partner.
“What I need is someone who will make me do what I can.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I fear that all this 50 Shades of Grey talk has people’s imaginations running wild about what a power exchange relationship looks like. I hear people talk of submissives having no power. I hear people speak as if being a Dominant means being all-powerful. However, think about this: If a Dominant has no submissive agree to serve them then the Dominant would have a bit of a challenge in expressing Dominance other than toward themselves, right? Therefore, in the same way I can have the utmost respect and admiration for someone who is Dominant to me. When in a Dominant space, I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who gift me with their service.
ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston. She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education. Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque. She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque. Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing. Help Essence get to the Milan Burlesque Awards!
Within my strong, intelligent, independent woman lays a much more malleable side. However, this is a side that is not easily revealed (pun intended). In fact, I can use one hand with plenty of fingers left over to count the times it has happened. Yep, Dominant submissive relationship for the strong, independent woman. There is a side that desires the freedom of being submissive to a trusted partner’s Dominant. It seems like an oxymoron, right? However, under the right circumstances, there is total freedom in giving up control.
As a modern-day woman I’m out in the world running things. Women no longer are only running the household chores. Nope! We may be mothers. We may be wives. We may be single. We may be dating. There’s always family & friends. We may also have careers on top of everything else we balance. We are elbowing for room to climb up the corporate ladder right along with the fellas. Heck, we’re running our own enterprises. There are those of us who are not concerned with being equal to men. We know we surpass them . These are all wonderful things. I myself am a creative, self-employed person which means I am working in several different arenas. All of them, thankfully, I enjoy because they all come with unique challenges.
Cut to: getting home after a long day. If you live in the USA 9-5 is a thing of the past. We are putting in 12+ hour days. I want to come home take off my Super Woman Cape & be my partner’s lady. I do not want to make another decision. I do not want to dictate how things are going to go around here. I want YOU to take control of the ship. I’ve been steering my planet all day. Can you steer me now? Please Sir/Madam/Boss? How do I feel about a partner who always wants me to make decisions? How much respect do I really have for a partner that let’s me railroad over them? Not much if I am being honest with myself.
I can hear the uproar of the strong, independent women everywhere wondering if I’ve bumped my head. With all of our much-needed struggle to be equal, some of us have forgotten how to lay back & be led. Some of us are unable to admit to wanting to lay back & be led (yes, there are some women who feel naturally Dominant & men who feel naturally submissive & all the gender variables in between). However, I’m talking about women being able to stand (or kneel ) authentically in their submissive nature if that is what they desire. I’m also talking about men being given the space to be their natural Dominant selves. It is seldom allowed in this equal world we’ve fought for. There is a natural polarity to every relationship (no matter what the genders involved). A yin & yang, a push & pull, yes, a Dominant & submissive that modernity does not easily allow for without judgement.
I am not advocating that women be passive ever. Even within being submissive one is never passive. There has to be a willingness, an agreement to show up in that type of space with a Dominant. It is my natural nature to be submissive to someone’s Dominant in intimate relationships. They have to earn that right though. Like, I said, few have. Therefore, most people only know my in charge side that lives out in the world. There is a way in which we as women have become ashamed to dare admit to being submissive. There is the fear of being looked as as being weak, lacking self-esteem or confidence. You try saying that you like to be submissive among some female circles & see how much strength, self-esteem & confidence is needed to survive the discussion. Are there desires you’ve been taught to be ashamed of?
In fact, it may even be difficult to seamlessly attract a trustworthy partner who is willing & capable to accept the Dominant position. We have all been, rightfully trained to treat each other as equals. However, if your partner desires to live in sub space, you are being allowed the control. There is a big difference between giving & taking the control. Once given the control, take it. I found this interesting article on Domination for Nice guys . It does not mean being abusive! I need to repeat that: IT DOES NOT MEAN BEING ABUSIVE!!! That is where the deep trust factor comes in. This is why submission must be earned. It is not a birthright given to everyone encountered.
There is COMPLETE trust with a Dominant partner so there is freedom. It’s like being entangled in a secure web. One is controlled yet able to lay back freely in it. All there is to do is to show up, listen in the moment & be of service. This is someone who cares about your & would never harm you. You care about them so much all you want is for them to be pleased. The inverse is also true. Communication is a must. Discussions around boundaries is a must. The use of safe words or simply No is a must. Parameters set, release can be met. One is given the non judgmental space to be submissive. They are given the same to be Dominant. Finally… Yes, even strong, smart, confident, independent people can desire to be submissive. There, I said it .
Let’s create our rituals & revel in this space together. Train me how to be your sub. Help me grow & be integral of my word. I can be trusted to own up to it if I am out of integrity with our agreements (This one aspect can spill over to being very useful in life. Integrity to one’s word is a dying art). Make me stand in a corner & wait for it. Whatever, You decide it is. If you’re Dominant enough you won’t even have to restrain me with anything but your command. I’m not just talking about in the bedroom, here. I’m talking about being & living submission. It can get pretty intense, hot, filled with anticipation, growth & pleasure. So… what’s your natural nature: Dominant or submissive?
ESSENCE REVEALED - Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston. She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education. Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque. She’s been published in two anthologies: Pros(e) & Johns, Marks, Tricks & Chicken Hawks. She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque. Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing. Help Essence get to the Milan Burlesque Awards!