Dominant Submissive Relationship

Within my strong, intelligent, independent woman lays a much more malleable side.  However, this is a side that is not easily revealed (pun intended).  In fact, I can use one hand with plenty of fingers left over to count the times it has happened.  Yep, Dominant submissive relationship for the strong, independent woman.  There is a side that desires the freedom of being submissive to a trusted partner’s Dominant.  It seems like an oxymoron, right? However, under the right circumstances, there is total freedom in giving up control.

As a modern-day woman I’m out in the world running things. Women no longer are only running the household chores.  Nope!  We may be mothers.  We may be wives.  We may be single.  We may be dating.  There’s always family & friends.  We may also have careers on top of everything else we balance.  We are elbowing for room to climb up the corporate ladder right along with the fellas. Heck, we’re running our own enterprises.  There are those of us who are not concerned with being equal to men.  We know we surpass them :-D.  These are all wonderful things.  I myself am a creative, self-employed person which means I am working in several different arenas.  All of them, thankfully, I enjoy because they all come with unique challenges.

Cut to: getting home after a long day.  If you live in the USA 9-5 is a thing of the past.  We are putting in 12+ hour days.  I want to come home take off my Super Woman Cape & be my partner’s lady.  I do not want to make another decision.  I do not want to dictate how things are going to go around here.  I want YOU to take control of the ship.  I’ve been steering my planet all day.  Can you steer me now? Please Sir/Madam/Boss?  How do I feel about a partner who always wants me to make decisions? How much respect do I really have for a partner that let’s me railroad over them?  Not much if I am being honest with myself.

I can hear the uproar of the strong, independent women everywhere wondering if I’ve bumped my head.  With all of our much-needed struggle to be equal, some of us have forgotten how to lay back & be led.  Some of us are unable to admit to wanting to lay back & be led (yes, there are some women who feel naturally Dominant & men who feel naturally submissive & all the gender variables in between).  However, I’m talking about women being able to stand (or kneel ;-)) authentically in their submissive nature if that is what they desire.  I’m also talking about men being given the space to be their natural Dominant selves.  It is seldom allowed in this equal world we’ve fought for.  There is a natural polarity to every relationship (no matter what the genders involved).  A yin & yang, a push & pull, yes, a Dominant & submissive that modernity does not easily allow for without judgement.

I am not advocating that women be passive ever.  Even within being submissive one is never passive.  There has to be a willingness, an agreement to show up in that type of space with a Dominant.  It is my natural nature to be submissive to someone’s Dominant in intimate relationships.  They have to earn that right though.  Like, I said, few have. Therefore, most people only know my in charge  side that lives out in the world.  There is a way in which we as women have become ashamed to dare admit to being submissive.  There is the fear of being looked as as being weak, lacking self-esteem or confidence. You try saying that you like to be submissive among some female circles & see how much strength, self-esteem & confidence is needed to survive the discussion.  Are there desires you’ve been taught to be ashamed of?

In fact, it may even be difficult to seamlessly attract a trustworthy partner who is willing & capable to accept the Dominant position.  We have all been, rightfully trained to treat each other as equals.  However, if your partner desires to live in sub space, you are being allowed the control.  There is a big difference between giving & taking the control.  Once given the control, take it. I found this interesting article on Domination for Nice guys 🙂.  It does not mean being abusive!  I need to repeat that: IT DOES NOT MEAN BEING ABUSIVE!!!  That is where the deep trust factor comes in. This is why submission must be earned.  It is not a birthright given to everyone encountered.

There is COMPLETE trust with a Dominant partner so there is freedom.  It’s like being entangled in a secure web.  One is controlled yet able to lay back freely in it.  All there is to do is to show up, listen in the moment & be of service.  This is someone who cares about your & would never harm you.  You care about them so much all you want is for them to be pleased.  The inverse is also true. Communication is a must.  Discussions around boundaries is a must.  The use of safe words or simply No is a must.  Parameters set, release can be met.  One is given the non judgmental space to be submissive.  They are given the same to be Dominant.  Finally… Yes, even strong, smart, confident, independent people can desire to be submissive. There, I said it ;-).

Let’s create our rituals & revel in this space together.  Train  me how to be your sub.  Help me grow & be integral of my word.  I can be trusted to own up to it if I am out of integrity with our agreements (This one aspect can spill over to being very useful in life.  Integrity to one’s word is a dying art).  Make me stand in a corner & wait for it.  Whatever, You decide it is.  If you’re Dominant enough you won’t even have to restrain me with anything but your command.  I’m not just talking about in the bedroom, here.  I’m talking about being & living submission.  It can get pretty intense, hot, filled with anticipation, growth & pleasure.  So… what’s your natural nature: Dominant or submissive?

ESSENCE REVEALED – Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston.  She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education.  Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, and 21st Century Burlesque.  She’s been published in two anthologies: Pros(e) &  Johns, Marks, Tricks & Chicken Hawks.  She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque.  Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.  Help Essence get to the Milan Burlesque Awards!

60 thoughts on “Dominant Submissive Relationship

  1. OneMan says:

    How many people, women or men anywhere, truly understand the concept of “A relationship of equal yet disproportionate power?” How many people have experienced such relationships their entire lives without the first awareness versus those who have embraced such relationships, like any other innate need, only to be called “kinky?” Then again, how many have really ever come to terms with the root and true nature of their sexuality at all? Essence’s entry, and her entire blog, speaks, I hope, to our trending as a culture toward sexual honesty, and self-expression. Of course, to express it, you have to own it. “A relationship of equal yet disproportionate power… or at least disproportionate authority.” From a Dominant’s perspective, or I should say from the perspective of one who believes in the innate reality of this human dynamic and yet remains, like most, somewhat stifled by the equally human tendency of the human majority to deny it, or hide it in shame, the audible voice of every integral submissive, male or female, means a shift in the ability to love the self and subsequently one another. The mayonnaise has been spread pretty thick for generations over our sexual authenticity. If we are truly beginning to wipe it all off and look at ourselves as not only sexual beings, but radically sexual explorative beings, than I, for one, say “Hallelujah and Amen!” Of course, one could write an entire blog about the philosophy and practice of D/s, and many do. But it was nice to see just this much in Essence’s blog as one facet in a multi-faceted persona; one color in a myriad of evolving sexual self-recognition, self-ownership, and, God adore her, unashamed self-expression. I admire you.

    • THANK YOU genuinely for such a thought out and beautifully articulated response to the post. If I am going to encourage others to live authentically, then I have to encourage myself to do the same as well. You post gives me encouragement. I am new at this & never quite sure what thoughts people have about it. Many look but few comment. I am grateful to you for taking the time to respond. 🙂

  2. Your way of describing the whole thing in this post
    is really nice, every one can effortlessly be aware of it, Thanks a lot.

  3. […] spoke about my submissive feelings in the Dominant submissive Relationship blog I wrote.  Like I mentioned in the post there are very few people who have the command to […]

  4. Be Yourself says:

    Well-expressed and said and it’s a pity how pure natural roles and relations have been ruined and messed up with to reach such a point where humans are just looking and craving to be their natural themselves nothing more or less. Manhood/womanhood is the most genuine D/s relationship in its purest natural form if understood and practiced well and correctly by respective partners satisfying all their needs, desires and tendencies at all levels from mental, through sensual to pure physical ones. Man can’t satisfy his manhood, ego and stamina without completely fulfilling his natural role and taking the full lead of his life and relationship with his woman who is desperately looking for that too to satisfy her natural needs and womanhood also. Partial fulfillment or swap of roles is usually disastrous to partners, their relationship and lives as we see everywhere and time now

    • Thank you much for your reply. I’d say Yes and… Yes and natural nature is not limited to gender. There are some women for whom Dominance is their natural nature and some men for whom submissiveness is. I think things do get thrown off when partners are not able to express in a way that is natural & authentic in terms of D/s no matter the gender…

  5. Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment
    didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyways, just wanted to say wonderful blog!

    • Oh, I can’t even express how sad that makes me… This is my Most read blog and yet Least commented upon blog… thanks for the compliment but I truly hope ypu re-consider and add to the conversation!

  6. Might you have additional articles similar to this particular
    one called, Dominant Submissive Relationship Essence Revealed?
    I actually desire to read through even alot more about it.
    Many thanks.

  7. Ella says:

    I too am a strong independent woman. Successful in my professional life on Wall Street. I have come to recognize that in my intimate life I am a submissive. To date, I have only explored through books. Thanks for the article and I hope you write more. My only wish is that there was a safe way to fully realize this side. Well, keep writing and I will continue to read and respond.

    • Hi,

      Thanks so much for your comment. Being careful & safe are always job 1. There are sites like where one can set up “anonymous” profiles as much as anything online is anonymous anyway. Big cities like NY have munches and events where one can meet and greet or lay back and observe.

      • Ella says:

        I have begun my journey on fetlife. The games are fun and I am taking it slow. Thanks for guiding me

    • Jilly bowling says:

      I think many women have fantasies about being dominated, I know I have and I think that it is so liberating to be able to read and talk about it. Those who think that a d/s relationship is about abuse are so sad and need educating by those who live their lives in this way. This is why I write about it.

  8. John Morgan says:

    Your blog is great. I am helping a woman, who I have on and off relationship with, explore this world so we are both new to this and this advice and stories is a great help . Thank you very much.

  9. Kate says:

    At 59, I knew something was missing; well to be exact after 18 years of celibacy, a lot was missing! I too am independent and headstrong. I have always been titillated by thoughts of powerful demands of sex and some bondage and now that I’m semi retired, am seeking to know more about this lifestyle. I recently signed up on 3D chat site for an article I’m writing on social media and have been exposed to the lifestyle. I had a very beautiful loving encounter with a man from the Netherlands who is a master. He is not wanting to commit to a sub at this time, but we do continue to have encounters on the site. I love my time with him and am not sure if it is his dominance but I am wanting to explore more about it. Your article has been an encouragement. Thank you.

  10. Hedone says:

    I truly understand and relate to this. In business, I am a leader. If there is no one leading, I will take charge, I don’t like uncertainty. Yet I have a submissive soul that longs to sit back and be led…guided, cared for. Unfortunately I have failed to find a man who is truly dominant in nature and secure in himself to be proud of and supportive of my dominant side. They have all been fakers, in the end I am far stronger, confident and capable than they. I also think meeting “dominant types” in the kink world set me up for meeting pretenders because there are so many in that lifestyle, club scene.

    Great read.

    • It seems that when something becomes more popular, there are newer people who come in with a limited view based on what’s seen in the media. Hopefully as they stick around they learn 😉

    • Sctt says:

      My best advice to someone new is this…. join the lifestyle on get…find events in your area to attend….then ask around for who is a well respected leader….who mentors new people…then introduce yourself and get to know this person….when you become friends then ask for their protection…. have them help you find a non-player Real Dom….then take your time getting to know this person…there is plenty of Courting in the BDSM lifestyle…it’s just a little different…don’t rush into anything…. the fakes are usually in a hurry.

  11. Ry says:

    I am new to all of this. My fiance brought this lifestyle to my attention about 2 weeks ago, saying she has felt like something has been missing since she was a young teenager, and that she feels this may be the key to fixing our issues.
    She claims she has no respect for me, which just killed me, and for reasons mentioned in your blog. I had never heard of such a lifestyle until now and quite frankly it wierded me out. I love and respect her very much so of course I am going to give it a shot. In her quest to learn more she found me a friend online, that I feel has been very helpful in guiding me in the ways of a Dominant, and has been very informative. See I am the nice guy that gave and gave and never expected anything in return, sacraficed to make sure she was happy, and vowed never to hit. Well I am alos the nice guy that would get so angry sometimes for not getting anything in return and never getting any respect from anyone and still kept doing for others because I didnt know what else to do. Over the past 2 weeks I feel like I have learned that the Dominant role is something I should been doing all along. It feels good.
    Until now, whether fear of life change or fear of the unknown, I have not done my research. Your blog is the first thing I have read that has anything to do with d/s relationships and I am glad I did. I have had a very difficult time understanding where my fiance has been coming from, why she feels the way she does, and your blog has really helped me understand her quite a bit more. She has said very similar things but as always its different hearing it from someone else.
    Thank you for bringing me some clarity.

    • THIS made my night. I’m glad that I could bring you to a change in understanding about it but more so, I’m so glad to here about your willingness to explore something that initially “weirded you out”. I hope that the two of you grow and stretch in this exploration together!!!!!

  12. jdc says:

    im married for almost 12 years to my first boyfriend.. well lets say in my profession i need to be bossy.. staying head over heels with a very supportive and loving husband is not a doubt but you know i just feel so suffocated with “wife-u-decide-what-to-do-next” thing.. ive been into reading fictional books about D/s relationships then i find it like “wow-is-this-really-happening”.. then started surfing net about it.. i finally clicked this one and really gave me insight that its pretty normal to want to feel being submissive.. i think i really wanna try it.. cause im thinking it a great experience as a great blow to my husband ego too making him a dominant… thanks for enlightening me.. well i think my next move.. to discuss this option to my husband… wow just thinking about it makes me feel this could be really fun… 🙂

    • Thank So Much for reading & chiming in! Yep it is really happening. It could be extrememly fun with a partner you trust! Turning power over to a trusted Dominant partner can be very hot & liberating ;-). I hope your husband gets on board with exploring it with you 😀 🙂 😀

  13. darkeyes789 says:

    Thank you for sharing insight and knowledge about d/s. Keep it coming. 🙂

  14. Nick says:

    What a beautifully articulated article. I’ve been trying to explain to the wonderful woman in my life that we’ve been exploring a dom/sub relationship without realizing it for some time. This explains how that could happen. These are our natural roles. She’s a very independent and strong woman that once nothing more than to please her man once the door is closed. And I am always respectful and treat her like the lady she truly is until the door closes…..then it seems we both drop our walls and give each other our true self’s. How incredibly freeing. Thank you.

  15. Lilly-Rose says:

    I want to initiate a dom/sub relationship with my boyfriend, but he’s never been a dominant and I’ve never been a submissive. Any advice on how to teach him to be my dom?

    • I don’t think you can teach anyone to be a dom. If it’s something that he is interested in then there is a big world wide web out there to begin researching. Google things like Dominant Guide, find books on the topic, if you are in a place that has dungeons they may hold demonstrations on different topics like bondage, fire play, etc. But if he isn’t into it, no one can be made to be a dom.

  16. Sub says:

    Thanks so much for this wonderful article. I’m a sub, in a very new relationship with my first dom, and had been feeling odd about the actual giving up of control. My Dom is being great, and taking things very slowly, but this article has helped me understand things from my point of view, if that makes sense.
    After reading it, I understand that his control actually comes from me, and that the way he respects my decision to surrender to him is by offering me that control back whenever I need it, through the use of a safe word.
    I feel much freer than I did previously, I’ll be reading more of your blogs.

  17. cassandra says:

    I just discovered my on and off boyfriend for years is a dominant how do i get him to be comfortable with himself and with it?

  18. Scott says:

    When will submissive people get it it is not about your fantasy or fetish. true D/s for the submissive is putting the dominants needs ahead of yours. It can be as strict or as loose as you and your partner agree on but if you are a sub male it is not about your fetish all the time. If she wants the bathroom cleaned and tells you to do it. She does not want to sit there in a leather corset and watch you clean it. She would rather do something else. you can enjoy your fetish in the bedroom but true D/s is where you put the Dom’s needs or wants ahead of yours that is what true submission is but the Dom has to have responsibility of making sure it does not turn into abuse. There is a fine line between being a submissive and abused toty

  19. amelia says:

    Thanxx for the blog
    I’d say it perfectly puts words to what I’ve been trying to explain my partner for months now :p. So instead i just made him read it… Nd things been pretty… Kinkier nd well heated up in a lot bttr way 🙂 Thanx again

  20. lena23grace says:

    Wow, I don’t know what to say, it’s eye opening and amazing. I’m personally new to this all and your post is quiet something. I enjoyed it, thank you for this.
    I personally am a submissive female, I don’t like to have control of the bedroom or really in a relationship, I like to be controlled and for them to make the moves. But I haven’t found a good Dominant to do the lead, and as you said that trust to show such a side has to be earned. And no one so far has earned it.. :/ But I am new to this whole “kinky” side and I don’t know much. So this is a learning experience and I’m glad I found this post. 🙂

  21. A. says:

    Great post:)
    I am sub and my bf is dominant and our relationship is amazing. We are very much in love,so I’m a bit frustrated,when someone says,that a sub-dom relationship is all about BDSM and violence. No,it’s not. He wouldn’t hurt me at all,he’s the one making soup when I’m sick or clean the apartment,when I have to work…because he cares about me. He treats me like his princess,but I’m also his dirty little girl and he loves being in control,it turns him on and turns me very much on. He gives me the best orgasms in the world,I just need to beg for it and he likes to spank me or pull my hair,but if I say stop,he stops.
    I think,that a sub-dom relationship is about respect for both sides. If he would ever beat me or something,I would definitely leave him,but I know he wouldn’t,because the point is,that we both are enjoying these little games.
    However when it comes to other decisions.we decide together. I couldn’t live in a relationship where my bf gets to decide,when or what I can eat or something like that…

  22. PF says:

    Does being a submissive in the bedroom to my dominant lover mean he can continue to control other areas of my life outside the bedroom? This is new to me as well and I wonder where the boundaries are.

    • Not necessarily, No. Those are details that you talk about with your partner in the beginning. There are relationships where D/s is part of the entire relationship in & outside of the bedroom. There are also ones where it is only inside the bedroom & many variables in between. Be really clear and honest about what you are and aren’t willing to commit to. Clear, honest communication is the key in any relationship. This is no different. Much Light 🙂

  23. margaret says:

    Thank you finally someone has said it the right way,love your post. I’m finely being honest with myself and saying I love being submissive and i love that my hubby is so dominate (in all aspects). Some folks have looked down at me for it, but I don’t give two cents. we are both very happy and it works for us. thank you again for the such a great read!!!

  24. Laura Lamboard says:

    I am a mature women of age 37.
    It is my 2nd marriage and my husband is very strict.
    He used to smack me often. I oppose but get wet.
    Do u think I must surrender for a spanking?

    • NO. Power Exchange HAS TO be CONSENSUAL!!!!!

      • Jilly Bowling says:

        Enjoyed your blog. I’ve just finished my second book, Kate/Katherine, which is about a D/s relationship. Like you Kate is a very strong woman who discovers that she needs to be submissive in her relationship although not in her working life. I hope that it is more realistic than fifty shades. I’d like your opinion, it should be out as an ebook soon.

  25. tcmoser74 says:

    I have been on a date site for a couple of months and have been talking to a man who is a Dominant. We are discussing boundaries at this point and the lifestyle. Before him and I ever spoke, my thoughts on this was so black and white. I said none will ever control me in any aspect. I’m a very professional business owner and widow for ten years raising my children alone. I am 40yrs old and have been I’m control of every aspect of my life. After gaining a small amount of trust in this potential Dominant, I decided to read up on the lifestyle. I can’t believe how much your blog has educated me on how much of a love story this can be. I opened my mind enough to listen to these comments and can say my heart is pounding from the NEW knowledge and I’m excited about taking the time with this new gentleman and learn his lifestyle. HE HAS BEEN UpMOST PATIENT AND HONEST about this with me and had never pushed any issue. I want to believe a good Dominant male can control his emotions. I’m all fairness, isn’t this what it’s about? Thank you for shedding light to a gal who had built severe emotional walls after losing her husband. I’m so excited to see how this will work out for me. The very thoughts of being equal with disproportionate power had truly peaked my interest and gives me hope.

  26. Kay says:

    I loved your blog. I’m 50 something married to a 35 yo man. I was a stock broker working 7 days a week but changed careers in my semi retirement. I teach now but still push myself in work. I converted to Islam when I was single then married my best friend who was a Muslim too. In Islam the man is the head of the family and more Dominant in public..for example a couple may make decisions in private together but the husband is the spokesman in public, usually (always) pays for things and takes his wife shopping so he can pay for her things. I found this sexy so I asked my husband to extend it to our intimate life. Now I have the most loving, intimate relationship I have ever had. I submit to him in many ways in and out of the bedroom. He refuses to tie me up and would never whip me but he pretends to lock me in the house (we both know I have a key) before he goes to work, controls my clothes (wants me covered so other men can’t see my breasts, legs or hair), controls my hair length and even bathes me. We do a lot of things that only we know. It is very intimate and keeps us both very aware of each other when we are in public. I truly feel he is a gift from Allah and I love the depth of our relationship. So, a sub dom relationsionship never has to include whips or chains or pain but can be a truly liberating experience. From… A very satisfied wife.

  27. Tamara says:

    After 15 years of marriage my husband told me he wanted a Dom/sub relationship. I was thrilled with the idea and have set out to learn all I can, but now my Sir has taken up having relationships with other women over the phone, as his sub should I be ok with this

  28. Sandy Sweet says:

    Just starting a “new” relationship and he is very dominant. Not sure how to deal with this. I’ve always been the strong one in all things. Kind of scared but yet interested in seeing how it goes. I MUST call him sir all the time! Everywhere we go, and in everything we do. Is this normal ?

  29. Chris says:

    I’ve found myself in a submissive/dom relationship, but it’s development into that has been as simple as spending almost two years together, falling in love, and losing myself to the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, only to be excited to see him. Eager to please him, and craving his touch. It’s not how we started. He’s a natural (a natural TRUE dom, he gets equal satisfaction from his control and pleasure as he does from my release and pleasure) and I have found myself to be a true natural submissive. Odd, because I’m a successful business woman, a divorce from a people pleaser, and a single mom. Only when I am with him am I truly free. And he’s a gem. Successful beast but a gentle giant. A businessman but a cowboy at heart. He loves to sit back and watch me hitch, load, and drive my F350 Dually with a 22 foot trailer in hitch behind me, horses in tow.. He’s AMAZINGLY KIND to everyone. ANYONE. He never looks down on a soul. I never want to be with another. When his arms are around me, I’m home. I don’t think I could be submissive to anyone else on the planet, but to him, it is bliss.

  30. explorer3000 says:

    great shares……….

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