Intimate relationship | Essence Revealed

What needs to happen within when overcoming jealousy? I remember what it feels like to have the feeling wash over me at times. Yet, I’ve never truly understood jealousy because being in a relationship does not render the rest of the universe unattractive. Yet, I hear over and over again from some people that they find it disrespectful to have their partner look at another person. Let’s say your walking down the street with your significant other. A beautiful human comes walking along. Guy/gal busts their brain cells to look not right, not left but straight ahead. Guy/gal fails and instant argument ensues. Accusations of disrespect are thrown. I never quite understood how acknowledging another person’s physical beauty could in any way shape or form be disrespectful to an entire relationship. The sum total of a relationship has got to hold more weight than that, right?

I wonder if jealous people believed without a shadow of a doubt that they are an amazing partner, the jealousy would still play itself out in this way? I have long felt like I make a really great girlfriend. I don’t say this to sound arrogant or conceited. Knowing this does not mean thinking I’m perfect. In fact, it means that I am very in touch with my imperfections so I work on myself as much as possible. There may be moments where I feel jealousy. However, what I do is check in with myself before I react. Usually jealousy, in my case, means I feel threatened by the attention my partner is giving elsewhere. Often, it is my ego feeling bruised for not consuming ALL of my partner’s attention. I make it about me and my worth or the lack there of.

Jealousy in myself is seldom the cause or fault of anything that someone outside of me did. It is usually a moment of insecurity. That is for me to deal with. It is not something I think deserves an argument. It is not my partner’s job to make sure my self-esteem tank is on full. If someone is going to leave, they are going to leave. There isn’t enough “guard dogging” in the world that can prevent it. In fact, it may push them too it when it had never been an initial goal. I know, I’ve had the experience of feeling like if I was going to be constantly accused and have arguments about it all the time, well, mind as well go ahead to justify the stress.

Usually, the check in leads me to remember that the way I am in relationship with people is something valuable. There is no room for feelings of jealousy after that. My inner self gets a little swagger: “Go ahead, let ’em try to find another you. I promise you, you’re a rare gem ;-).” Then all becomes right sized in my world. How could I possibly think something like looking at another beautiful person speaks in any way about my worth in a relationship? It cannot.

I REALLY want to hear what people who think jealousy in relationships is justified have to say. So, what say you?

ESSENCE REVEALED – Essence Revealed is first generation Bajan born & raised in Boston. She got her BFA at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and MA at NYU’s Steinhardt School of Education. Her writing has appeared places such as $pread Magazine, Corset Magazine, BurlesqueBible.com and 21st Century Burlesque. She now performs & teaches nationally and internationally both solo and as a member of Brown Girls Burlesque. Her favorite thing to do besides reading is to lay on the beach in Barbados to rest up for a night of calypso dancing.

This week the slowdown continues. The dismay of those hit hard by Sandy continues. There are no words. Yet, there is an intimacy in relationships that has emerged in different ways. Parts of New York look untouched. Others look like a literal 50 shades of grey. It’s cold and snowing outside tonight. Many are without heat or electricity. Too many are without homes to return to. Yet, people connected, often with strangers. New Yorkers showed up in droves to volunteer. So much so that at some sites, there were calls for more resources and less volunteers. Shared info via the web which could then be shared word of mouth or via the phone to those without connection.

Other people opened their homes. My apartment is below someone I’ve known since I was 18. She is one of my longest friends, yet we can go weeks without seeing each other. She opened her apartment and it became a safe haven. I spent a great deal of the storm up there. We spent time together. We talked to each other. We shared music, online videos and stories with each other. We cooked for each other. There were several moments of joking and making each other laugh. Other people came by to warm up, get online or simply break up the cabin fever from being wherever Sandy had landed them. It was really nice to have true human connection between the anxious checking of the news reports.

There were moments over the days when we all tuned in to doing our own thing. This one watching some streaming program or other. That one listening to music and social media surfing. Another one on the phone. Someone drawing. Me eating Almond Joys. Yet, we were all together. Because time had been spent fully engaging with one another, the moments of shift to individual activity didn’t feel like being ignored. How much time do we take these days to fully engage each other? I can admit this was the first time in a long time I relaxed into not having a busy, tightly booked schedule. I gave myself the permission to not do anything productive. I even had some really fun e-mail exchanges with friends and had time to click on links before I reply (yes, it’s the little things sometimes that hold the most weight). I gave myself permission to take care of myself. I wasn’t feeling well but hadn’t really slowed down enough to do true self-care. I gave myself permission to do nothing but care for myself and the people who were around me. For example, I was bartender, chef, jester, listening ear, crafting buddy, rehearsal mate and allowed the same to be done for me.

I’ve had constant questions swirling around in my head. This Presidential campaign alone showed me in Technicolor how much time we spend telling other people that what THEY believe is wrong and what WE think is correct. How often do we take the time to be present and really connect? No cell phone, no laptop, no technology, just being a focused presence for one another. How often do we really have conversations? Are we able to be friends who listen and offer support as opposed to criticism? Can we hear an opinion that is the polar opposite of ours and simply hear it without feeling the need to defend our own opinions? Are there times where we exchange what we know to help someone else get where they want to go with no strings attached, expecting nothing in return? Are we able to really hear when loved ones tell us what they need? Do we even bother to ask, “How can I support you?” How can we make our connections romantically, with friends, co-workers or otherwise more intimate?